‫‫‫‫[slow jazz playing]
‫‫‫‫[man] O, death, where is thy sting?
‫‫O, grave, where is thy victory?
‫‫For man that is born of woman ‫‫hath but a short time to live,
‫‫and is full of misery.
‫‫He cometh up and is cut down ‫‫like a flower.
‫‫He fleeth as it were a shadow.
‫‫In the midst of life, we are in death.
‫‫In the midst of death, we are in life.
‫‫‫‫-[Lana] It was a nice service. ‫‫‫‫-[Malory] Hmm.
‫‫‫‫And he had a good, long life.
‫‫‫‫He did, for a heroin addict.
‫‫‫‫-Sad Archer wasn't there. ‫‫‫‫-Or here.
‫‫‫‫It's been a long couple of months.
‫‫‫‫Three, next week.
‫‫‫‫You should go sleep in a real bed.
‫‫‫‫I'm fine. I want to be here if--
‫‫‫‫When he wakes up.
‫‫‫‫Yeah. Did the doctor--
‫‫‫‫The same.
‫‫‫‫Could be tomorrow, ‫‫‫‫could be another three months.
‫‫‫‫-Could be... ‫‫‫‫-Yeah.
‫‫‫‫Well, I guess I'll go.
‫‫‫‫I'll try to bring AJ by tomorrow. ‫‫‫‫Or Friday.
‫‫‫‫We'll be here.
‫‫‫‫At least he doesn't know Woodhouse died. ‫‫‫‫That would break his heart.
‫‫‫‫Mm-hmm.
‫‫‫‫Although there's no telling what he knows.
‫‫‫‫[Malory] Or what he's thinking about.
‫‫‫‫Well, dreaming about, I suppose.
‫‫‫‫[footsteps]
‫‫‫‫No.
‫‫‫‫No, no, no!
‫‫‫‫No!
‫‫‫‫[grunting]
‫‫‫‫No!
‫‫‫‫Nooooo!
‫‫‫‫[theme music playing]
‫‫‫‫Let me go, God damn it. Come on!
‫‫‫‫-Go easy, Archer. ‫‫‫‫-Poovey, I swear to Christ,
‫‫‫‫I will punch you right in the... genitals.
‫‫‫‫It's okay. Let him go.
‫‫‫‫You big lummox.
‫‫‫‫Oh, Jesus. Woodhouse.
‫‫‫‫So, where are you, Figgis? ‫‫‫‫You got any leads?
‫‫‫‫What do you think happened?
‫‫‫‫I think he got too far behind ‫‫‫‫on his dope tab,
‫‫‫‫so sometime last night ‫‫‫‫his dealer punched his ticket for him.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, and wouldn't that be convenient?
‫‫‫‫[chuckles] Not for him.
‫‫‫‫-You little rat-- ‫‫‫‫-[whistles]
‫‫‫‫-[Archer grunts] ‫‫‫‫-Now, scram, Archer.
‫‫‫‫Ow. Son of a-- I mean, just "ow."
‫‫‫‫You can claim the body at the morgue.
‫‫‫‫But that better be the last time ‫‫‫‫I smell you anywhere near this case.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, we'll see about that.
‫‫‫‫Yeah? And we'll see how you like it ‫‫‫‫when I yank your PI license.
‫‫‫‫See you around, Poovey.
‫‫‫‫Take it easy, Archer.
‫‫‫‫Oh, hey, and, Archer?
‫‫‫‫Come to think of it, ‫‫‫‫where were you last night?
‫‫‫‫-Ask your wife. ‫‫‫‫-[growls]
‫‫‫‫Ah, you know his wife left him.
‫‫‫‫For you, Archer, 'cause you screwed ‫‫‫‫her tits off at the precinct cookout.
‫‫‫‫So then she thought the two of you ‫‫‫‫would get married
‫‫‫‫and live happily ever after, ‫‫‫‫but then you were like, "What?"
‫‫‫‫-Exactly. That face right there. ‫‫‫‫-I--
‫‫‫‫[Archer groans]
‫‫‫‫How does that help?
‫‫‫‫Mmm. Humanizes you?
‫‫‫‫[man whistling]
‫‫‫‫Hey, pal. You got a second?
‫‫‫‫I do not, actually,
‫‫‫‫and I am not, come to think of it, ‫‫‫‫so screw.
‫‫‫‫-Hm. I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. ‫‫‫‫-Wh--
‫‫‫‫Do you know who I work for?
‫‫‫‫Do you know how much I don't care?
‫‫‫‫About what? Living out the week?
‫‫‫‫'Cause we're both out of luck, friend.
‫‫‫‫I left all my cash at the track.
‫‫‫‫But if maybe you wanted some dope--
‫‫‫‫Do I look like a junkie to you?
‫‫‫‫I don't know. I try not to judge.
‫‫‫‫You used to sell to this guy.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, Woodhouse. He--
‫‫‫‫Wait. Used to?
‫‫‫‫-He's dead. ‫‫‫‫-What?
‫‫‫‫Oh, for the love of--
‫‫‫‫He was one of-- ‫‫‫‫No, he was my best customer.
‫‫‫‫So, he was paid up?
‫‫‫‫Paid up? He paid in advance.
‫‫‫‫Yeah. He was not great with money.
‫‫‫‫[chuckling] Right? ‫‫‫‫I mean, who tips their dope dealer?
‫‫‫‫So, I guess we're done here?
‫‫‫‫We're done when I say we're done.
‫‫‫‫I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that.
‫‫‫‫-[man growling] ‫‫‫‫-[Archer sighs]
‫‫‫‫[snarls]
‫‫‫‫Okay. So, one of two things ‫‫‫‫is gonna happen here.
‫‫‫‫[Archer] Oh!
‫‫‫‫[clattering]
‫‫‫‫Hm. Wonder what the other thing was.
‫‫‫‫[jazz trumpet playing]
‫‫‫‫Goddamn.
‫‫‫‫Is it your feeding time already?
‫‫‫‫[growls]
‫‫‫‫I wish you wouldn't antagonize him.
‫‫‫‫Well, I wish you could hold a tempo.
‫‫‫‫[rimshot]
‫‫‫‫Which, clearly, sarcastic.
‫‫‫‫No, it wasn't.
‫‫‫‫[snoring]
‫‫‫‫No, thank you, Zerk, that will suffice.
‫‫‫‫-[Zerk growls] ‫‫‫‫-[Archer] Huh?
‫‫‫‫Wha-- What's-- What--
‫‫‫‫Ah. There he is.
‫‫‫‫The infamous Sterling Archer, private eye.
‫‫‫‫And I trust you know who I am?
‫‫‫‫I do. But what do I call you?
‫‫‫‫"Mother" will do.
‫‫‫‫And so, you do know who I am, ‫‫‫‫but you don't care?
‫‫‫‫What? No, I--
‫‫‫‫That's what you told my bartender ‫‫‫‫when you stuck a gun in his ribs.
‫‫‫‫I-- Well, first of all, ‫‫‫‫your bartender sells heroin.
‫‫‫‫-Gasp. ‫‫‫‫-And I pulled my gun
‫‫‫‫because I'm trying to find out ‫‫‫‫who killed my partner.
‫‫‫‫That would be Woodhouse.
‫‫‫‫Yeah. He-- How'd you know that?
‫‫‫‫It's my business to know ‫‫‫‫a great many things, Mr. Archer.
‫‫‫‫What would you say ‫‫‫‫if I offered you a drink?
‫‫‫‫I'd probably say bourbon. ‫‫‫‫Old Buncombe, if you've got it.
‫‫‫‫Oh, I have a bit of everything.
‫‫‫‫-So I hear. ‫‫‫‫-Hm.
‫‫‫‫-How do you take it? ‫‫‫‫-Usually alone.
‫‫‫‫Thank you for making an exception.
‫‫‫‫Please.
‫‫‫‫And so, I do hope you'll forgive Mr. Zerk ‫‫‫‫for his hands-on approach.
‫‫‫‫Maybe. But I sure won't forget it.
‫‫‫‫Yes. I believe that was the point.
‫‫‫‫-I meant-- ‫‫‫‫-I know what you meant.
‫‫‫‫-Cigarette? ‫‫‫‫-No, thanks. Never took it up.
‫‫‫‫Really? But I thought ‫‫‫‫they loaded all you GI's down
‫‫‫‫with cartons of them ‫‫‫‫on your way up the gangplank.
‫‫‫‫-They did. ‫‫‫‫-Supposed to help keep you alert.
‫‫‫‫I guess I found it all stimulating enough.
‫‫‫‫-Mm. Normandy? ‫‫‫‫-Yeah.
‫‫‫‫Omaha Beach.
‫‫‫‫By way of North Africa and Sicily.
‫‫‫‫And after Normandy, ‫‫‫‫through France and Belgium,
‫‫‫‫all the way to Berlin.
‫‫‫‫Well, I had to get to Berlin.
‫‫‫‫I'd sent all my clean shirts ahead.
‫‫‫‫Mm-hmm.
‫‫‫‫Speak any German?
‫‫‫‫You know. "Don't shoot," "I surrender,"
‫‫‫‫-"Hitler's the tops," stuff like that. ‫‫‫‫-Mm-hmm.
‫‫‫‫Bronze Star with two Oak Leaves ‫‫‫‫and "V" device.
‫‫‫‫Legion of Merit. ‫‫‫‫Croix de Guerre with Palm.
‫‫‫‫Silver Star with two Oak Leaves.
‫‫‫‫Distinguished Service Cross ‫‫‫‫with one Oak Leaf and "V" device.
‫‫‫‫Three Purple Hearts. ‫‫‫‫It goes on, Mr. Archer.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, senior year, ‫‫‫‫I was voted class flirt.
‫‫‫‫And yet, you turned down a battlefield ‫‫‫‫commission to second lieutenant.
‫‫‫‫Well, after class flirt, I mean--
‫‫‫‫In fact, you left the army ‫‫‫‫at the same rank you went in.
‫‫‫‫Buck private.
‫‫‫‫And do you know what that tells me?
‫‫‫‫I need a new lock on my diary?
‫‫‫‫That you don't like taking orders.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, or having my time wasted.
‫‫‫‫So, if you'll excuse me--
‫‫‫‫Oh, no. I will not.
‫‫‫‫-Excuse me? ‫‫‫‫-No... I just said.
‫‫‫‫-Sorry? ‫‫‫‫-Me too.
‫‫‫‫-I-- Wait. No. I meant-- ‫‫‫‫-I know what you meant.
‫‫‫‫I-- Look, I'm just trying to find ‫‫‫‫the bastard who killed my partner.
‫‫‫‫With which, perhaps, I can help you.
‫‫‫‫With which-- Hang on. Wait, really?
‫‫‫‫Perhaps.
‫‫‫‫But before I could help you, ‫‫‫‫I would need you to help me.
‫‫‫‫I'll do anything to find ‫‫‫‫Woodhouse's killer.
‫‫‫‫And then avenge his death.
‫‫‫‫Well then, Mr. Archer, ‫‫‫‫what would you say if I offered you a job?
‫‫‫‫I'd probably say yes.
‫‫‫‫And also bourbon.
‫‫‫‫[Mother] ‫‫‫‫Len Trexler.
‫‫‫‫I assume you're familiar with him?
‫‫‫‫[Archer, chuckling] ‫‫‫‫Who isn't?
‫‫‫‫He's the biggest mobster in LA.
‫‫‫‫Well, maybe not for much longer.
‫‫‫‫Why, is he sick?
‫‫‫‫Wh-- No, you ass.
‫‫‫‫Although you could say ‫‫‫‫that his time has come.
‫‫‫‫Wait. You want me to help you ‫‫‫‫make a move against Len Trexler?
‫‫‫‫Whose hobby is dissolving people in acid?
‫‫‫‫Oh, now, Trexler doesn't do ‫‫‫‫the actual dissolving.
‫‫‫‫That would be his enforcer, Dutch Dylan.
‫‫‫‫I don't care who does the dissolving.
‫‫‫‫But if you help me, I can help you.
‫‫‫‫Perhaps. You made that very clear.
‫‫‫‫Look, all I need you to do is go down ‫‫‫‫to Pier 9 in Long Beach tonight
‫‫‫‫and simply observe and report back.
‫‫‫‫-No. ‫‫‫‫-Come on.
‫‫‫‫I thought you had guts.
‫‫‫‫And I'd like to keep them ‫‫‫‫in their current location,
‫‫‫‫i.e. inside me, not melting ‫‫‫‫in a 50-gallon drum of acid
‫‫‫‫with my shoes and feet and face.
‫‫♪ Never know how much ‫‫I love you ♪
‫‫♪ Never know how much I care ♪
‫‫♪ When you put your arms around me ♪
‫‫♪ I get a fever that's so hard to bear ♪
‫‫♪ You give me fever ♪
‫‫♪ When you kiss me ♪
‫‫♪ Fever when you hold me tight ♪
‫‫♪ Fever in the morning ♪
‫‫♪ Fever all through the night ♪
‫‫♪ You give me fever ♪
‫‫‫‫-I'm in. ‫‫‫‫-Excellent.
‫‫‫‫Then find killer, uh, revenge do.
‫‫‫‫Careful what you wish for.
‫‫‫‫You just might get it.
‫‫♪ Till you sizzle ♪
‫‫♪ What a lovely way ♪
‫‫♪ To burn ♪
‫‫‫‫[Archer] ‫‫‫‫That's some set you got on you.
‫‫‫‫I mean, not your-- I--
‫‫‫‫-I meant-- ‫‫‫‫-I know what you meant.
‫‫‫‫Yeah. Let me start over.
‫‫‫‫My name's Archer.
‫‫‫‫Lana Kane.
‫‫‫‫And, I'm sorry, but have we met?
‫‫‫‫If we had, you'd remember.
‫‫‫‫-[rimshot] ‫‫‫‫-[Ray] Stop it.
‫‫‫‫And so, um, you're the singer here.
‫‫‫‫Wow. And you must be an old gypsy woman.
‫‫‫‫Close. I'm a private investigator.
‫‫‫‫I'm doing some work for your boss.
‫‫‫‫And apparently doing it ‫‫‫‫with a fresh new take
‫‫‫‫on the word "private."
‫‫‫‫Can I buy you a drink?
‫‫‫‫Hmm. Bottle of PBR.
‫‫‫‫[chuckling] PBR. Wow. I would have thought ‫‫‫‫your tastes were a little more, um--
‫‫‫‫-Pierre Beauvais Rouge. ‫‫‫‫-Ah.
‫‫‫‫-Problem? ‫‫‫‫-No. Not--
‫‫‫‫Not when you're pulling down ‫‫‫‫25 bucks a day plus expenses.
‫‫‫‫And what sort of daily expenses ‫‫‫‫does a semi-private investigator incur?
‫‫‫‫-Bullets? ‫‫‫‫-Daily?
‫‫‫‫Or, I don't know,
‫‫‫‫maybe a surf-and-turf dinner ‫‫‫‫at the Polo Lounge?
‫‫‫‫Uh-huh.
‫‫‫‫And then maybe a room upstairs, ‫‫‫‫at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
‫‫‫‫Uh-huh.
‫‫‫‫And then, maybe--
‫‫‫‫I'm gonna leave you here.
‫‫‫‫Between hope and despair.
‫‫‫‫What the hell does that mean?
‫‫‫‫Before you shoot a big, ‫‫‫‫salty load in your pants.
‫‫‫‫Shut up. How much for the champagne?
‫‫‫‫Twenty-six dollars.
‫‫‫‫Wha-- I'm not paying 26 bucks ‫‫‫‫for a bottle of frustration.
‫‫‫‫[Zerk growls]
‫‫‫‫[groans] You're lucky my ear hurts.
‫‫‫‫-There. ‫‫‫‫-Plus tip.
‫‫‫‫How about the tip of my cock?
‫‫‫‫-[rimshot] ‫‫‫‫-[Ray] Stop it!
‫‫‫‫So, in that scenario,
‫‫‫‫would I take your penis ‫‫‫‫in my hand? My mouth?
‫‫‫‫Asshole. Wait, no. ‫‫‫‫I mean-- Not-- God damn it.
‫‫‫‫[Archer] Pierre Beauvais Rouge.
‫‫‫‫Hardy har har.
‫‫‫‫Hey, 1933 called.
‫‫‫‫They want their gold digger back.
‫‫‫‫Meanwhile, I have to dip ‫‫‫‫into my rainy day fund,
‫‫‫‫which is barely enough to buy ‫‫‫‫an extremely nice umbrella.
‫‫‫‫Wait. What the--
‫‫‫‫Holy shit.
‫‫‫‫Leave it to Woodhouse.
‫‫‫‫Now I can find his killer ‫‫‫‫and take revenge.
‫‫‫‫Although I better get moving if I'm going ‫‫‫‫to make it to Long Beach in time.
‫‫‫‫Okay. So, first thing tomorrow morning.
‫‫‫‫Well, or probably after breakfast.
‫‫‫‫After which, I just remembered ‫‫‫‫I'm getting a haircut.
‫‫‫‫But after that,
‫‫‫‫vengeance will be mine.
‫‫‫‫Oh, duh.
‫‫‫‫Just like you always said, Woodhouse,
‫‫‫‫[in English accent] ‫‫‫‫"Lock the safe, Archer, you dumb twat."
‫‫‫‫[Archer] I wanted to get mixed up ‫‫with mobsters like Mother and Len Trexler
‫‫about as much as I wanted ‫‫a new hole in my head.
‫‫‫‫But I meant it when I said I'd do anything ‫‫‫‫to find Woodhouse's killer.
‫‫‫‫Although, truth be told,
‫‫‫‫I'd also do anything ‫‫‫‫just to see Lana Kane again.
‫‫‫‫So here I am, headed straight ‫‫‫‫into the belly of the beast.
‫‫‫‫Nothing between me and death ‫‫‫‫but my wits
‫‫‫‫and the cold, blue steel of my .45.
‫‫‫‫[chuckles] I have no idea why ‫‫‫‫I'm telling you all this.
‫‫‫‫Or why I picked you up.
‫‫‫‫-I don't even know where you're going. ‫‫‫‫-[dog whines]
‫‫‫‫-Hopefully Long Beach. ‫‫‫‫-[barks]
‫‫‫‫Well, too bad.
‫‫‫‫[Archer, whispering] ‫‫‫‫Because I don't need a spirit animal,
‫‫‫‫and if I did, he'd be an ocelot.
‫‫‫‫[whines]
‫‫‫‫Okay. Observe and report.
‫‫‫‫So easy, even a cop could-- Wait.
‫‫‫‫What the--
‫‫‫‫Hmm.
‫‫‫‫Now, what's a nice, unmarked LAPD girl ‫‫‫‫like you doing in a place like this?
‫‫‫‫[engine approaching]
‫‫‫‫So, what's Trexler importing?
‫‫‫‫Some new, improved people-melting acid?
‫‫‫‫Damn it, they're in defilade, ‫‫‫‫I can't see what they're doing.
‫‫‫‫[sighs] I gotta get higher.
‫‫‫‫That ought to do.
‫‫‫‫[sniffs]
‫‫‫‫Now, that is a lovely parting gift.
‫‫‫‫And who's our lucky contestant, Bob?
‫‫‫‫Come on, you bent prick, look up.
‫‫‫‫Damn it.
‫‫‫‫[man] Come on, move it.
‫‫‫‫[Archer] Huh. ‫‫‫‫[man] Let's go. Come on.
‫‫‫‫Guess Trexler's not opening ‫‫‫‫a Chinese restaurant.
‫‫‫‫I mean, in this economy?
‫‫‫‫A whorehouse, though, ‫‫‫‫bet that's pretty much recession-proof.
‫‫‫‫-[man] Move, God damn it. ‫‫‫‫-[woman cries out]
‫‫‫‫[Archer gasps]
‫‫‫‫[panting]
‫‫‫‫Okay, Archer, just stay calm.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, good advice.
‫‫‫‫-[gun cocks] ‫‫‫‫-Ow!
‫‫‫‫-Aw. Still tender, huh? ‫‫‫‫-What the hell are you doing here?
‫‫‫‫Asking you the same thing.
‫‫‫‫None of your damn business.
‫‫‫‫Everything is my business.
‫‫‫‫-Oh. Including white slavery? ‫‫‫‫-Yes, incl-- Wait. What?
‫‫‫‫Those girls are tied up, asshole.
‫‫‫‫No, they're not, they're just--
‫‫‫‫Ah, dog dicks.
‫‫‫‫-Yeah, so-- ‫‫‫‫-But wouldn't it be yellow slavery?
‫‫‫‫[scoffs] Wh-- I don't know, racist.
‫‫‫‫-White slavery's just as racist. ‫‫‫‫-What?
‫‫‫‫No. You know, if you differentiate ‫‫‫‫between, like, cotton-picking slavery--
‫‫‫‫-Jesus Christ. ‫‫‫‫-...and then white slavery, that's--
‫‫‫‫-Sexual slavery, then. ‫‫‫‫-Okay.
‫‫‫‫God damn it.
‫‫‫‫My point is ‫‫‫‫I think we're both anti-slavery.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, you're a regular Granville Sharp.
‫‫‫‫But since I'm guessing ‫‫‫‫that was your boss taking the payoff--
‫‫‫‫But he didn't know about this part.
‫‫‫‫Or any part, 'cause he wasn't here.
‫‫‫‫Wow. Well, I'm sold.
‫‫‫‫-Really? ‫‫‫‫-No, dickhead.
‫‫‫‫And neither are they.
‫‫‫‫Whoa. Look, I don't know ‫‫‫‫what the hell you think you're gonna do.
‫‫‫‫-Well then, that makes two of us. ‫‫‫‫-What are you--
‫‫‫‫[Archer] Oof.
‫‫‫‫Well?
‫‫‫‫God damn it.
‫‫‫‫Son of a bitch!
‫‫‫‫[grunts]
‫‫‫‫[sighs] I mean...
‫‫‫‫So, funny story.
‫‫‫‫Jesus, it's the cop, Poovey.
‫‫‫‫So, yeah. So--
‫‫‫‫[screaming]
‫‫‫‫[grunting]
‫‫‫‫[panting]
‫‫‫‫[sniffs]
‫‫‫‫Okay.
‫‫‫‫-One of two things is gonna-- ‫‫‫‫-[gunshots]
‫‫‫‫Wh--
‫‫‫‫-What... ‫‫‫‫-What?
‫‫‫‫...the shit?
‫‫‫‫They knew me from work.
‫‫‫‫-Ugh. ‫‫‫‫-[truck braking]
‫‫‫‫What? You think they heard that?
‫‫‫‫Because, just so I understand you,
‫‫‫‫your theory is the truck backfired,
‫‫‫‫whereas your theory is fireworks.
‫‫‫‫They are Chinese.
‫‫‫‫What in Christ Foo Yung ‫‫‫‫could they possibly be celebrating?
‫‫‫‫Who knows? They got their own calendar.
‫‫‫‫[sighs] Go back there, ‫‫‫‫you team of oxen, and--
‫‫‫‫[door opens]
‫‫‫‫Can I help you?
‫‫‫‫[in deep voice] ‫‫‫‫Out of the truck.
‫‫‫‫[chuckles] ‫‫‫‫Do you know whose truck this is?
‫‫‫‫Do you know how much I don't care?
‫‫‫‫That's cute. No, seriously.
‫‫‫‫You're making a-- [grunts]
‫‫‫‫...huge mistake. Huge!
‫‫‫‫-Do you hear me? ‫‫‫‫-Yes. We're right here.
‫‫‫‫Well, you better just kill me.
‫‫‫‫That's-- [clears throat, in deep voice] ‫‫‫‫That's what I said.
‫‫‫‫Because when, not if, ‫‫‫‫I find out who you are,
‫‫‫‫I'm going to liquefy you.
‫‫‫‫-Okay. ‫‫‫‫-Same goes for those Chinese whores.
‫‫‫‫So I'm serious. You better kill me.
‫‫‫‫So, you're saying ‫‫‫‫when I drive this truck out of here,
‫‫‫‫you'd prefer I drove over your head, ‫‫‫‫not your ankles.
‫‫‫‫Wait, what? No, no.
‫‫‫‫-No, I meant-- ‫‫‫‫-I know what you meant.
‫‫‫‫[screaming]
‫‫‫‫[crying, faint]
‫‫‫‫What?
‫‫‫‫Nothing.
‫‫‫‫I mean, I feel like I ‫‫‫‫already know the answer,
‫‫‫‫but are you crazy?
‫‫‫‫How are they my responsibility?
‫‫‫‫Because your crooked boss ‫‫‫‫took a payoff to let them off that boat.
‫‫‫‫What am I supposed to do with them?
‫‫‫‫Get them jobs. There are plenty of ‫‫‫‫Chinese restaurants, laundries--
‫‫‫‫Now who's racist?
‫‫‫‫No. Because those are places ‫‫‫‫where other Chinese people already work.
‫‫‫‫They don't speak English, dumbass.
‫‫‫‫-I do little bit. ‫‫‫‫-Then shut up.
‫‫‫‫[gasps] I'm so sorry.
‫‫‫‫I can't even imagine the day you've had.
‫‫‫‫God, the week.
‫‫‫‫-[chuckling] The life. ‫‫‫‫-Shut up.
‫‫‫‫Seriously.
‫‫‫‫Sorry about the laundry thing.
‫‫‫‫-You're doing this, end of story. ‫‫‫‫-I--
‫‫‫‫A story in which a Los Angeles police ‫‫‫‫detective murdered three people.
‫‫‫‫[sighs] Dick.
‫‫‫‫-Thank you very much! ‫‫‫‫-Thank you!
‫‫‫‫[sighs] Super.
‫‫‫‫Now I get to go report what I observed.
‫‫‫‫Then drove a truck over.
‫‫‫‫So, first, maybe a drink.
‫‫‫‫Or 12.
‫‫‫‫God damn it!
‫‫‫‫[phone ringing]
‫‫‫‫Who the hell is this?
‫‫‫‫-[Mother] Guess. ‫‫‫‫-[gulps]
‫‫‫‫[stammering] ‫‫‫‫I was just coming to see you.
‫‫Oh, goody.
‫‫‫‫-Because I am just on pins and needles... ‫‫-Well--
‫‫‫‫...to hear how you turned a stakeout ‫‫‫‫into three dead, one crippled,
‫‫‫‫and Len Trexler ready to go to war.
‫‫How do you already know that?
‫‫‫‫And I swear to God, I've got half a mind
‫‫‫‫-to just kill you myself. ‫‫-I--
‫‫‫‫But the other half says ‫‫‫‫you're slightly more use to me alive.
‫‫-If-- ‫‫‫‫-For now.
‫‫‫‫-I-- ‫‫-Because now you owe me.
‫‫My office, Archer. ‫‫First thing tomorrow morning.
‫‫‫‫[dial tone]
‫‫‫‫[sighs]
‫‫‫‫[woman] ‫‫‫‫Ahem.
‫‫‫‫Mr. Archer?
‫‫‫‫Depends. Who's asking?
‫‫‫‫Charlotte Vandertunt,
‫‫‫‫heiress to the vast Vandertunt ‫‫‫‫publishing fortune.
‫‫‫‫And I would like to hire you...
‫‫‫‫to murder me.
‫‫‫‫Okay. [cocks gun]
‫‫‫‫[gasps]
‫‫‫‫[theme music playing]